overkill and the psychosis of knowing when to stop

Remember the other day when I wrote how well my portrait was going?? Well, I am here to say it has since gone downhill as I have reworked it OVER and OVER and OVER. I swear that's the funny thing about painting is knowing when to stop. Clearly I don't. I liked it but I wanted to LOVE it. DANGER! Why did I think that by working on it I was going to improve it? This is the mysterious and baffling aspect of the process, I have painted the nose a hundred times, ok maybe not that many but WAY too many times to remember, and the lips and the eyes, the rest is done, but the face........ oh the face. It's taunts me with it's slightly not quite rightness and makes me want to try and try some more until all I've done is the same thing over and over again. HELLO, isn't this 'insanity'? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. The funny thing is I know I'm crazy and yet I can't stop, it's like a freakin drug this thing. I will DIE trying to get it right. I am so stubborn I will not quit. I might need a straight jacket by the time it's done but it will be worth it!!!! mmmmwaahhhaaaa....ok maybe it's not so dramatic as all that but I do hope I can fix it so I can proudly give it to it's owner with pride. This must be why I've avoided doing portraits for so long.........they will be the death of me!

field trips and inspiration

Today I took Jean all over Berkeley to show her my usual treasure spots. We started at Urban Ore and I thought to bring my red tutu as she hasn't been on an outing for much too long. So we played with throwing her here and there but the BEST part was when I met Hugo and I asked him if he would like to wear it and he obliged! Only in Berkeley baby! He worked it big time twirling and snapping his fingers, he is my first male tutu model to date and I am so proud of him. Next we went to Fanny cafe for lunch and I had the grilled mozzarella and tapenade sandwich, yummy! Tummies full we browsed Ohmega Salvage where I took pictures and admired the iron gates while dreaming of french chateau's....Last but certainly not least we went to the Hen House in Lafayette. This darling store is in an old saggy house which only ads to the dazzling charm inside. I had fun trying on all Elizabeth's hats and had to purchase the flower charmer for a summer tea party in my future. Elizabeth is the owner of this fabulous shop and she has excellent taste in vintage sconces, ribbons, hats, you name it. I absolutely LOVE this store and she promised to come visit this hip chick at her store soon. Oh the fun of creative collaboration! I love these days of inspiration, of meeting new people and finding new places to shop. It's all in a day's work!! In addition to field trips I have been madly painting portraits and flowers, and feeling excited about my progress. I am seeing definite improvement and this makes me motivated to paint even more. My goal is to gather a body of work and try to have a show, but this will be a lofty goal as I only have a few pieces, I give so many away!! But I'm honored people like them and it pleases me to make something for someone I love. Thanks for checking in on hip chick's happenings and I always appreciate hearing from you!

Old friends at Hip Chick

Today my old buddy Tracy Zeiss came to visit, she and I worked at the Monterey Chart House in 1990.  I haven't seen her in at least 10 years so it was quite a surprise when she walked in the door!  She looks great, always gorgeous and stylish, and her Aunt Susan accompanied her for her first visit to Hip Chick's.  I spaztically showed them around clicking photos at every opportunity (you know how I am) and Tracy promised to return tomorrow.  There's SO much catching up to do yet!  I also worked on my portrait and still haven't achieved a likeness I am pleased with, however I am much more patient and calm then I would believe about the whole thing.  Wow, maybe there's some good to this aging after all!  So today was a great day at the store, Bob and I ate lunch outside in the sun (hallelujah) , I made a few sales and I saw an old friend.  I am so blessed to be able to do what I love and share it with others.  I"m not getting rich but I am very wealthy in what's important.  Health, love, creativity, beauty, balance, family, friends, spirituality and fun...there's no putting a price on that.

Breakthrough

I am so excited to share my breakthrough which occurred yesterday at the studio. I painted a portrait of a friend and it's turning out really well! Why this is a breakthrough is because I have avoided portraits until now due to their intense ability to stress me out. They are so specific, especially if it's a person close to you. I can't show the piece as it's a surprise for a friend and she might see it but after she has it I will post it. The back story to my breakthrough started when I attempted to paint a portrait of my daughter when she was about 2 yrs. old. I had parts of her that were right and others that weren't. Well, the anal perfectionist couldn't STAND the fact that I didn't nail it so I got so frustrated I painted the whole thing black. Now this saddens me because I wish I had that painting to look back on, if even for an example of where my abilities were then. But it is gone and I have avoided portraits ever since then as a result of my frustration. I just don't do people, or so I thought. This is why for me to dive in and try a portrait is a success, and then to not hate it is a super accomplishment! Hip hip hooray! Today I will develop it further, as it's sort of my subject person but not quite yet. At least I'm not freaking out and painting over it, I guess I have matured? somewhat and I am calmly going to try and work out the areas that will make it 'her'. There is a definite correlation between wanting to paint a piece, being excited even, to making a successful painting. The paintings that I get excited about are good, they almost paint themselves. The ones where I 'think' too much are not as successful, and I struggle to get them right. A telltale sign of a good piece is when I can't wait to get started, as was the case with my last two pieces. I really am learning a lot about myself and the process just by 'doing it'. There's much to be said about suiting up and showing up in every aspect of life and painting is no different. It doesn't require an inherent talent, it doesn't require education, these things are helpful yes, but even more valuable is simply perseverance. The simple act of doing something over and over will always make you better, it just takes the discipline of doing it. I never thought of myself as a disciplined person and yet I suppose I am. I wasn't born an artistic genius, I never even gravitated to art until my late teens. I thought it was fun. I never thought I was an artist, or very good. But I kept doing it anyway, and now I see myself getting better and that motivates me to keep going. I'm no where near where I'd like to be, but I certainly won't get there unless I do the work. Now that I'm older and somewhat wiser I see the value in progress not perfection. Perfection is simply ego. Accepting what I can do is grace. I will take grace any day.

Tutus and the joy of giving

This is my friend Megan Sherman from Carmel Valley who came to visit me last Saturday to pick up her painting I made for her birthday.  I was so excited to see her reaction because she hadn't even had a glimpse of it and I knew she'd be surprised with the overall piece.  She screamed and cried, this was exactly the reaction I was hoping for!  What surprised her most was the background, as I placed her twirling in the hills of Carmel Valley.  It was a magical moment for both of us, me for seeing how grateful and happy it made her and her for receiving such a wonderful gift.  I told her it was as wonderful to give her the painting as it was for her to receive it and it's true.  It made me think about art and painting and that giving my art is the best gift I can give.  It is solely my own creation and to make something that brings such joy to others is the best reward I can get.  A few bucks doesn't hurt either but this WAS a birthday present so it doesn't apply!  She and I hiked on Sunday and talked about life and I cherish the time we spend together as it's rare.  When she left on Sunday she carefully put her masterpiece in the car assuring me she'd tell me where she put it once she got home.  It's hanging in the front room of her house and the whole family loves it, I am so pleased to hear this.  I can't wait to visit and see it there.  This is precisely why I love to paint.  I love to capture a moment, a feeling and preserve it forever.  It's like a photograph but even more personal as it's an interpretation of that moment.  My studio mate Bob said, "Carrie these paintings of ours will live long after we're gone" and I love that.  I love that I am leaving my mark and that maybe someday one of my paintings will be at a flea market and someone will buy it , and perhaps they'll even look up my name.  That's something I never even thought of until Bob pointed it out.  In some small way I am leaving an indelible mark through my art and I am honored to call myself an "artist".  It is a title I could not own until recently.  I felt to call myself an artist meant I had to be accomplished, earning money and showing in galleries.  That was my insecurity and as art is so personal it's scary to put oneself out there and say "this is what I can do" for others to judge.  Now I am more comfortable with that as I am more comfortable with myself.  I am me and I won't appeal to everyone just as my art won't appeal to everyone.  Some like me, some don't, some like what I paint, others don't.  I don't like everyone I meet, or all art I see so it makes sense.  What I am finding is there are some who do like me and my art and that's plenty!  If even one person is happy with it that's a success, but my biggest critic is me.  I am not very kind to myself when it comes to my art.  I always want to be better and I can zoom in on the flaws of a piece before I see the successful parts.  But in the same breath I guess I'm maturing too as I see this as just a natural part of being an artist.  I push through it and keep at it, this is how I will improve and this is how I grow.  I love that painting will always be a challenging venue and an ongoing learning process.  For now I will be developing my various series including tutus, trucks and flowers.   Perhaps I need to put these all together.......aha, I love it!

Thursday at Hip Chick

Today was a good day at the shop.  This picture is my customer Ellen who bought this skirt today and she humored me by allowing me to doll her up with a hat and pearls, she looked so cute!  She reluntently let me take her picture even as I assured her she was fabulous.  She was one of my original customers as was Cathy who also came in but wouldn't let me take her picture.  I love seeing my 'regulars' and catching up and seeing what treasure calls their name.  My best customer Kat texts her orders and I bring them home and we do a great business this way.  A true win-win for both of us! 
I am happily busy painting various pieces, finishing up Carmel Valley girl as Megan is coming on Saturday to get it, I can't wait to give it to her!  Then I was commisioned by Abby's friend Kendyl to paint a giant flower which I will begin soon.  After that I am doing a portriat which I am anxious and excited about.  Anxious because I haven't done many and they are SO tricky to get just right, excited because I am overcoming my fear and challenging myself to try.  I will never get better if I avoid it right?!  I have a slight emotional scar from painting a portrait of Abby back when she was 2 years old.  I had elements of her that I liked and some I didn't and of course the part I didn't 'nail' taunted me and I got so frustrated that I painted the whole thing black.  Classic.  Now I wish I had saved it and I could appreciate it for a snippet in time.  I have to rain myself in all the time from this madness, this perfectionsim that tries to sabotage my efforts.  It's truly powerful, evil, and frightenly active.  I know every artist deals with this beast and needs to tame it, it is not just me.  This helps me recognize that to 'win' against it is to allow myself to not be perfect, (easy enough-hahaha!) and remember the sting of that lost portrait.  If I expect so much of myself that I can't enjoy it then what am I doing it for?  I enjoy the beginning because there's a freedom ahead, to manipulate it, change it, develop, experiement until I like it.  Once it becomes recognizable and real I loose my enthusiam and I want to stop.  I don't want to fight the perfection dragon.  Hopefully over time this beast will become tamer and tamer, maybe we'll even become friends??  All this creature needs is love and acceptance, then it will embrace imperfections as happy accidents and quirks that make the piece unique.  This is what I need to tell myself until I believe it.  It's getting better all the time.....

Mothers Day in Santa Cruz

Sunday was Mother's Day and the plan was to drive to Santa Cruz to see my son Alex and we would all have lunch together.  Since it was Sunday I wanted to go to the flea market and hunt for treasure but mother nature had other plans.  As we know it rained, and this dampened my spirits but happily it did not dampened our day.  We persevered and went to Santa Cruz anyway.  Instead of the flea I thought I could get my treasure fix at the Goodwill, so Ben dropped off  me and Abs on his way to picking up Alex at school.  Alex had a stomach bug and a gammy knee so he was a bit under the weather but off we all went in search of food and frivolity.  WE attempted the Crow's Nest but there was a 3 hour wait so we said no way and went to Aldo's.  Luckily it was just warm enough and dry enough to eat outside.  After the meal we found a street antique sale that made my heart skip a beat, no flea, but an antique sale always works!  Got a few fun things, a vintage hat, parasol, some trinkets and Abby got a cameo necklace for 1.00 and a turquoise bracelet for $2.00, she is her mothers daughter.  A full fun day after all and I was happy to have my adorable family together.  Family, antiques and the beach all in one day = perfection!!